Little-known Feline Ailments

Little-Known Feline Ailments, by Seraph (circulated 
with permission)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having conquered cat flu, triumphed over tapeworm and braved behavioral
quirks, it is time to focus attention on some oft-observed but 
little-documented afflictions of cats.

COLLAPSIBLE LEGS

Symptoms: The affected cat places one side of its head on the ground as
though cheek-marking the concrete, carpet etc. After several such maneuvers, 
the legs on that side of the cat suddenly collapse, 
leaving the cat waggling its feet in the air.

Treatment: This involves placing the palm of one hand on the exposed belly
and rubbing gently. There are side-effects though - some feline sufferers
attack the rubbing hand while others recover spontaneously, often after 
prolonged treatment. This condition is probably incurable and 
any cat which requires prolonged treatment after an attack will most likely 
suffer repeated attacks of collapsible legs throughout its lifetime.

SNUDGING

Symptoms: The affected cat repeatedly headbutts any available part of a
readily available human and turns its head slightly so that the lips and 
cheek are rubbed against legs, arms, clothing etc. This 
condition gets its name from a contraction of the phrase "soggy nudging." Snudging 
may well be a form of excessive scent-marking. A bad attack can result in 
soggy clothing.

Treatment: Give the sufferer lavish affection. Most attacks subside between
10 minutes to 1 hour after onset of symptoms. You may need to dry off snudged
clothing or skin. Attacks recur frequently, usually when the most readily
available human is engrossed in a TV program, book or telephone call.

BED-HOGGING

Symptoms: The cat spreads to take up all available free bed space at night.
It then expands a bit more until any human occupants occupy the smallest
possible area of bed. It may do this on top or underneath the covers or on 
the pillow. It is highly contagious - any other cats on 
the bed will also develop symptoms of bed-hogging.

Treatment: The most obvious solution is to evict the cat from the bed. If
this is morally unfeasible, train yourself not to give way as the cat 
expands. Buying a bigger bed is probably pointless as most affected cats can easily
expand to fill standard, queen-sized and king-sized beds. Otherwise, simply
train yourself to sleep while hanging precariously off the side of the bed.
Attacks of bed-hogging have been known to last up to 23 hours (in one case a
3-day attack was noted by a cat-owner who was confined to bed with flu; the 
cat thoughtfully kept her company during this time).

NONSPECIFIC INSECT INFESTATION (also NONSPECIFIC 
SPIDER INFESTATION)

Symptoms: A disorder more prevalent among outdoor-going cats and cats with access 
to conservatories and garden rooms. Symptoms range from minor 
(the odd greenfly in tail, money-spider on fur) to severe (entire ecosystems 
of insects living on cat, spider webs spun between ears/whiskers, 
cat so weighed down with other fauna that it has difficulty walking).

Treatment: Minor symptoms can be treated by simply removing the 
infesting agent (aphid, ladybug, spider, etc.) and combing webs out of fur. 
If the cat suffers recurrent or severe symptoms an exercise regime is highly 
recommended, since highly mobile cats appear to attract fewer greenfly 
(research into this factor continues).

IRRITABLE LAP SYNDROME

Symptoms: The cat appears unable to settle comfortably on laps, 
instead treading, kneading, rearranging itself, fidgeting, vocalizing, 
getting up and turning around, falling off lap and getting back on again, 
attacking magazines, needlework, computer keyboard, telephone etc.

Treatment: Immediate treatment is essential. 
Drop  whatever you are doing (literally if need be) and give 100% 
attention to the sufferer, otherwise symptoms may escalate and become 
quite distressing to the lap-owner. Only prolonged attention will cure 
an attack of Irritable Lap Syndrome. Like Collapsible Legs, this syndrome 
is incurable, although attacks may be effectively treated as and when they occur.

LAP FUNGUS DISORDER

Symptoms: Having taken over a human lap, the cat proceeds 
to spread in all planes. This may be accompanied by secondary symptoms 
such as high-volume purring, dribbling, kneading and snoring. The condition 
is highly contagious and several fungoid cats may infest a lap simultaneously.

Treatment: Topical treatment with proprietary  anti-fungals is ineffective.  
Prompt treatment (as per Irritable Lap Syndrome) is 
required to alleviate the worst symptoms although in a number of cats, such 
treatment actually exacerbates the condition. This disorder 
manifests itself periodically through the affected cat's life and there is 
no long-term cure.

SMURGLING

Symptoms: Varied: sucking at clothing, owners' earlobes/nose/fingers/skin, 
drooling, glazed expression. Often accompanied by kneading 
and high-volume purring.

Treatment: Ultimately incurable. It is possible to remove 
smurglable items from around the cat. The ailment may be transmitted 
to humans in the form of large laundry bills, misshapen clothing and chapped skin.

GREEBLINGZ

Symptoms: Random dashes through to helter-skelter running 
through house in pursuit of unseen prey. Greeblingz are believed to be 
non-visible entities and some authorities have linked them to 
UFO sightings or feel that they may be diminutive other-dimensional 
beings. Cats suffering from greeblingz typically have wild-eyed expressions. 
There is a minor danger of  greeblingz attaching themselves to humans; 
if a cat tackles such greeblingz, injury to humans may result. 
A very few cats are naturally immune.

Treatment: None known. Anti-epileptics are ineffective as 
the condition appears unrelated to other forms of seizure. 
Avoid getting in the way of a cat engaged in greebling hunting. 
Attacks usually subside spontaneously, perhaps as greeblingz return 
to their own dimension. These  irritating creatures are not 
visible to human eyes, but no doubt the superior sight 
and hearing of cats enables them to see them.